I’m sitting here, with an ever growing lump in my stomach. Usually I don’t know what made it come back, but today, today I know.
I have a presentation at school tomorrow and the thought of standing in front of people having to talk is making my stomach hurt. I can feel the strength slowly leave my body, it’s becoming hard to move, my breath is becoming shallow and I can feel the tears knocking behind my eyes. Anxiety, my old friend, how I have NOT missed you.
It used to hurt. Every inch of my body. It hurt so much I couldn’t move. I would lay in bed for days, crying myself to sleep. I couldn’t figure out where the pain was coming from.
It used to hurt so much I cut myself, so that for a brief moment, I would know where the pain was coming from.
It used to hurt so much I didn’t know how much longer I could take it.
It used to hurt.
Now…now I feel nothing, and I can’t tell which is worse.
The monster in my head are back.
Slowly growing bigger.
I can feel it eating me up, from the inside out.
Sucking all the energy out of me.
Taking away my will to fight. To live.
I want to run, to hide, but how can I get away from a monster that lives inside of me?
Will I ever be free?
Another day on autopilot.
I don’t know how much longer I can do this. Get up, go to work, walk around like a zombie, barly takling to anybody, go home and stare blankly at the TV until it’s time to go to bed.
I need something that excites me. Something that make me want to get up in the morning. I just don’t know what that is and I’m getting tired of searching for it.