Make 2018 about you, remove toxic relationships from your life! Workout if you want to, don’t if you don’t want to! Learn new things! Make a new friend! Buy that cute sweater! Find a hobby that makes you happy and frickin rock it! Go for long walks outside! Do something 2017 you would be proud of!

text: capalday

It used to hurt. Every inch of my body. It hurt so much I couldn’t move. I would lay in bed for days, crying myself to sleep. I couldn’t figure out where the pain was coming from.
It used to hurt so much I cut myself, so that for a brief moment, I would know where the pain was coming from.
It used to hurt so much I didn’t know how much longer I could take it.
It used to hurt.
Now…now I feel nothing, and I can’t tell which is worse.

I have no idea what I was thinking. Going back to school.
Well I was thinking that it would make me more appealing when apply for work. I did not think about how hard it was going to be having to work almost full time, while also going to school full time.
I’m constantly tired and have no motivation to do anything. What a great combo for someone who already is dealing with depression.

This semester I have seven exams. Slightly my own fault though, but still. I failed one, my first semester and the two others I couldn’t take because I had just had surgery. And since I don’t wanna fall behind, I’m definitely overreaching trying to take them all now. You wanna know how much I have done so far? Nothing! I just can’t seem to open a single book, and my first one is in five weeks! Seriously considering running away and living deep in the forest where no one can find me.

So please send me all the luck in the world. I’m gonna need it.
Now I’m gonna hide from my responsibilities with a face mask and some YouTube.

The monster in my head are back.
Slowly growing bigger.
I can feel it eating me up, from the inside out.
Sucking all the energy out of me.
Taking away my will to fight. To live.
I want to run, to hide, but how can I get away from a monster that lives inside of me?
Will I ever be free?